Apparently Houston mayoral candidate Jack O’Connor wrote me a letter?

Jack O’Connor, who is running for mayor of Houston while also getting regular business acting as Bad Guy Businessman #2 (the only explanation I can muster for the mustache) wrote an entry on his blog titled: “A Message to the Liberal Bloggers of Houston.”

And then Air Bud and the Buddy Puppies knocked over the ladder, spilling the bucket of sludge all over Jack O'Connor. It was the very sludge that his factory was going to produce! But luckily they stopped him just in time and saved the doggie park that the town so enjoyed.

I write in this blog, so I suppose that makes me a blogger. And I support gay marriage, progressive taxation, public option health care, and taxing pollution, etc. I suppose that makes me liberal. So by that logic, I am a liberal blogger. Therefore, Jack wrote that entry specifically for me, comma, Evan. And no one else. Given that Jacky Boy and his Mustache are giving me all this personal attention, it would be rude to not respond in kind. On my liberal blog.

First, Jack President-of-a-Company-I’m-Pretty-Sure-Doesn’t-Have-A-Website O’Connor opened with a compliment:

You appear to have good intentions in bringing the liberal segment of our population the news and opinion they want.

… he wrote in a clunky and stilted style not unlike that of an alien grasping at our hew-mon ways.

Aw, thanks Jack Who-Reported-No-Total-Fundraising-On-His-30-Day-Report O’Connor. I had no idea you read my blog. What did you think of my summer adventures hunting the Rice Cryptid? Now that was news and opinion that the liberal segment of our population wanted!

But while I hoped that the letter would be nothing but the awkward opening compliments, it quickly turned to shaming and criticism, much like many a teachers’ report card comments.

It is unfortunate that you leave out information that is important to private citizens and businesses alike because it may impact those people you support.

Jack I-Haven’t-Raised-Enough-Money-To-Afford-Commas O’Connor makes a pointed criticism. I just wish I knew what exactly it is that I’m leaving out. Have I not followed up on whether Rice sports are unquestionably superior to University of Houston sports, explaining why UH is running away to the Big East, hoping to avoid any confrontation with the mighty Rice Owls?

No, that couldn’t possibly be it. Then what, Jack? What am I leaving out?

Have you considered what happens if the Houston City government becomes insolvent.

I think the better question is: “Have you considered not voting for someone based solely on his inability to end a sentence with proper punctuation?” Because the answer is yes.

In Nassau County New York, Jefferson County Alabama (Birmingham) among a number of other metropolitan areas with large populations the state governments have had to takeover their finances.

Now, I’m not the best writer in the world. Heck, probably not even fifth best. But Jack I-Need-Some-Remedial-Education-In-Writing O’Connor needs some remedial education in writing.

We may not be quite be at that point yet but some think we are.

Who thinks we are?

 In the mid 1970′s New York City had to accept a large amount of cash from the Teachers Union Pension Fund to avoid default and it took that city 10 years to recover. We are borrowing from our government workers pensions now. You can be pro union but not want the unions to be our city bankers.

No, we would never want to be like New York City. That place is a real shithole. Also, the apostrophe in “1970s” is unnecessary.

Oddly enough, after seeming to start a conversation about the budget and city finances, Jack jumps to the topic of Metro and Metrorail.

I am for the best public transportation possible but the cost and scope of the proposition we voted for early in the last decade has changed dramatically.

How has it changed?

The resistance of the Mayor and those connected to the light rail to questioning the wisdom of those changes and the costs increasing fourfold is unhealthy.

I’m not entirely sure what Jack Forcing-Me-To-Diagram-Sentences O’Connor is trying to say here.

Anyone who questions is attacked.

Who was attacked? When were they attacked? Who did the attacking? This is juicy stuff! I feel like the guy yelling questions in the movie theater. Hopefully Jack The-Suspense-Is-Killing-Me O’Connor will tie up all the loose ends in a fantastic literary climax.

There is a requirement for a new proposition to be on the ballot in 2012. It will address the stipulation in the original proposition in how much Metro gets from the city( 1% of the total revenue).

You know you can go back and change spacing mistakes, right? WordPress has an edit function.

Under the Law Metro is required to refund 25% of those revenues to the City’s infrastructure fund.

If you are going to capitalize “Law,” you might as well do the same for “The” preceding it. Also, put it in bold why not?

Metro owes the city approx 100 million dollars for this purpose. Metro is keeping it so can raise its bond capacity (more borrowing). The Drainage Fee (Rebuild Houston) was born out of Metro shorting the city.

I’m not sure where Jack I-Don’t-Know-How-Parentheses-Work O’Connor gets these approx numbers. But it sure would be nice if he could back these claims with sources.

Is this mismanagement or a contrived money grab. I think both.

Jack Speak-To-Me-After-Class-You-Need-To-Do-A-Rewrite O’Connor is an actual, factual grownup. He has a mustache and everything! He is running for mayor of the fourth largest city in the United States. There is no reason to think his campaign is a joke. According to his website, he graduated from Queens College. But for some reason, yet again, he does not end a question with a question mark.

Is this poor copy editing or sheer ignorance. I think both?

Your blog should include some of these issues whether you dispute them or not.

Whether I dispute them? What does that mean, exactly? And the only issues Jack Actual-Candidate-For-Mayor O’Connor raises concern the city budget and Metrorail. But despite these big-ticket issues, he raises no specifics, cites no documents, and offers no solution.

The Light Rail plans will cause gridlock in areas and we all know what happened during our Super Bowl with the Main Street line.

Which areas? And no, I don’t know what happened. But a simple Google search revealed an archive of columns in reaction to the day, none of which note any problems with the Main Street line. In fact, the only mention was from John Gallagher, the Detroit Free Press Architecture Critic, who noted: “Houston also has just opened a new light-rail system known as the METRORail that adds to the mix in unexpectedly helpful ways. The rail line runs along Main Street, and the stations and related public artwork fill in the middle of what otherwise had been just another five-lane thoroughfare. The result: A livelier, denser, more crowded urban scene.”

But whatever. No need to cite anything to back up your claims. Making good arguments and convincing people are not necessary skills for a good mayor.

We need another independent look about where we go from here.

OK. Except they’re already in the middle of construction on rail expansion. Furthermore, Jacky Boy doesn’t exactly express what is wrong with Metro and Metrorail besides the claim that it is spending too much money. His website’s “Issues” page doesn’t state anything about Metro. I guess he expects liberal bloggers to tackle the job instead.

I suggest you broaden your purview and opinion to keep your liberal audience more informed.

So fewer dick jokes?

I do not know you but I know where you are coming from.

You do? Where? From where am I coming?

That is OK if you are able to look at the bigger picture as well.

What is OK? “That” is lacking an antecedent. Is he saying it is OK  that he doesn’t know me but knows where I’m coming from? I’m not sure.

In conclusion, in 2010 Jack O’Connor ran for the State House and was endorsed by Young Conservatives of Texas, Empower Texans PAC/Texans for Fiscal Responsibility. Each of which is an actual, real, political organization.

Now, he is running for mayor of Houston. And judging from his open letter to liberal bloggers (especially me, Evan) he failed his middle school language arts classes.

Jack O’Connor is a hilarious joke and I hope to keep writing about him, his doomed candidacy, and his middle school blog.

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7 responses to “Apparently Houston mayoral candidate Jack O’Connor wrote me a letter?

  1. I have to assume that Jack O’Connor wrote that letter in German or French and then used an online translation engine to auto-translate it into English.

    At least that would explain the stilted language.

    I think he also forgets the old adage, “As goes Evan, so goes Houston.”

  2. “lololol”

    is my response to both the letter and your not-so-liberal but in fact rather journalistically conservative, fact-checking, source-citing bloggage in response.

  3. Which areas? And no, I don’t know what happened. But a simple Google search revealed an archive of columns in reaction to the day, none of which note any problems with the Main Street line. In fact, the only mention was from John Gallagher, the Detroit Free Press Architecture Critic, who noted: “Houston also has just opened a new light-rail system known as the METRORail that adds to the mix in unexpectedly helpful ways. The rail line runs along Main Street, and the stations and related public artwork fill in the middle of what otherwise had been just another five-lane thoroughfare. The result: A livelier, denser, more crowded urban scene.”
    +1

  4. That letter was worse than a rough draft of a Backpage. Mainly because of lack of Ping- and/or boobie-themed jokes.

    I think it would be better, though, if someone famous in a Houston area English-language educational field were to read it dramatically with all punctuation as given. While standing ominously over Spidey and preventing him from reaching his red pen.

  5. Not only was it poorly written, but it seems as if he plagiarized most of his letter from US Patent 6,055,910.

    “1. Field of Invention.
    This invention relates generally to toy gas-fired missiles, and more particularly to a toy gas-fired missile and launcher assembly in which the explosive mixture is derived from colonic gas discharged by the operator of the toy.

    2. Status of Prior Art
    Flatulence is the accumulation of excessive gas in the stomach or intestine … a recreational activity practiced by some individuals is ignition of one’s own flatus … so widespread is this activity that there are web sites on the Internet devoted exclusively to explaining proper lighting techniques … a major drawback of this popular practice … combustible gasses and inebriated participants.

    Summary of Invention
    In view of the foregoing, the main object of this invention is to provide a safe toy which exploits the combustible properties of flatus to fire a toy missile into space.”

    Via Google Patents. (Link here: http://bit.ly/uRnoMy).

  6. Pingback: In which I continue to read Houston mayoral candidate Jack O’Connor’s blog | Burn Down Blog

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