Tag Archives: China

In which I propose a war between China and Texas

Sometimes news pops up that makes it seem like the world is a movie, or that magic must somehow exist. For example, the recent news that during all the scandal with investment banks, faulty CDOs, and the collapse of the American economy, it turns out that high officials at the SEC were spending all their time downloading porn. I don’t just mean that there was some porn in browser history, or that a guy got off one late night at work. Rather, people making six figures at the SEC were spending hours upon hours looking at porn, with one guy filling up his hard drive with porn, and then filling up DVDs with porn to keep in storage. Who does that? Honestly, the porn will still be there the next day, there is no need to download it.

The only explanation I can think of for all of this is that someone at Goldman Sachs or some other firm has a magic wishing sex genie, which he used to curse members of the SEC so that he could get away with misleading CDOs.

So basically, instead of not being able to make people fall in love, the genie can only make people fall in love. With porn. And you get three wishes within that limit, and also have to put up with a genie making references to cultural tropes from several centuries in the future.

Along the lines of these sorts of movie or genie related events, last week a Chinese diplomat was arrested and beat up by Houston police at the Chinese Consulate on Montrose. The only way I can imagine this actually happening is if the Chinese diplomat was actually a front for drug kingpins or something. And the Houston cops were actually a wise-crackin’ black guy and a Chinese martial artist on loan from the Hong Kong police. It probably looked a little something like this:

Now, this will probably get covered up or at least result in a somewhat aged, mustached police chief with the mayor breathing down his neck, yelling from behind his desk at a renegade street cop who is about to have his badge taken away if he doesn’t shape up and pair with a new partner who is a monkey, a baby, a dinosaur, or Whoopi Goldberg.

But if one looks at history, rather than crib jokes from The Critic, the most obvious result is that Texas will go to war with China. After all, Texas has gone to war with foreign nations over less. Thus, we discuss the Pig War.

In 1841, French chargé d’affaires Dubois de Saligny became enraged (which I assume he expressed by yelling “Sacrebleu!”) when pigs owned by Austin hotelier Richard Bullock busted into Saligny’s stables, ate his horse’s food, then ransacked his house and garden. In revenge, Saligny ordered his servant to kill the pigs, which he did. Bullock responded, as a true Texan, by kicking the servant’s ass and then threatening to beat up Saligny. However, to quote the Handbook of Texas:

Dubois de Saligny promptly invoked the “Laws of Nations,” claimed diplomatic immunity for himself and his servant, and demanded the summary punishment of Bullock by the Texas government.

As far as the historical record demonstrates, Bullock did not respond to Saligny’s claims of diplomatic immunity with a witty one-liner.

Texas refused to punish Bullock without due process of the law, and in response France broke off diplomatic relations from Texas, with Saligny moving to Louisiana and routinely making vague threats of French invasion of Texas.

Since then, Texas and France have been the gravest of enemies.

And both have tense relationships with minorities immigrating from their southern border

Also, there was some sort of resolution where France condemned Saligny for abandoning his post over some stupid pigs. And Sam Houston, who was re-elected President after Mirabeau Lamar, mended relations between the two nations. But that’s boring.

Texas and France went to war over pigs ruffing up a French diplomat. And China and Texas should do the same.

(you see what I did there? Because pigs is also derogatory slang for police officers?)

Of course, once you go to war with China, you just have to do it again an hour later. And Rick Perry would be allowed to pick one battle from column A, and two battles from column B. And once the war is over, Texas will ask China: How do you get your surrender flag so white.

Then end.