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It’s brunch again in America. Today more urban singles will wait in line for eggs than ever before in our country’s history. With wait times for tables at about half the record highs of 2008, nearly 2,000 long-term couples will split a carafe of bloody marys made with locally-sourced ingredients than at any time in the past four years. This afternoon 6,500 young men and women will tweet a picture
of their eggs benedict, and with upload times at less than half of what they were just four years ago, they can look forward with confidence to people liking their pics. It’s brunch again in America, and under the leadership of Vice President Joe Biden, our country is hipper and funnier and has more twitter followers. Why would we ever want to return to where we were less than four short years ago.
Kyle continues what promises to be the greatest work of literature in the entire human canon:
Evan effortlessly guided himself through the plane’s rear cargo door, switched off his jetpack and came to a soft landing. A few moments later President Bartlet came spiraling through the same entrance and crashed to a stop next to Evan. Bartlet frantically removed his jetpack as the heavy cargo door shut behind them.
“Let’s never do that again,” the President said, pushing himself up off the cold metal floor.
“Maybe next time I’ll invite the House Speaker instead. He’s good at jetpacks.”
“Hmmph. Here.” Bartlet handed Evan a holster. “You almost left this with the raptors down there.”
“My lightsaber!” Evan exclaimed. He fastened the holster around his waist. “Thanks, Jed.”
The President—eager for Evan’s validation and trust because Evan is such a cool guy—smiled.
“No, thank you for having me, Doctor Captain Executive Editor Mintz, Esq.”
The two proceeded through the plane toward the control deck. They passed the petting zoo, the Treasure Room, the Additional Treasure Room, an onboard replica of the Starship Enterprise’s main bridge that was also a ball pit, the Animorph petting zoo, and finally made it to the heavy blast door separating them from the control deck.
Evan tapped on his communicator.
“Stephen,” Evan began, “it’s me, Evan. Open up the bridge door so we can come in and talk about how I was just riding raptors around with President Bartlet.”
There was no response.
“Stephen, I’m going to keep GETTING LOUDER UNTIL YOU OPEN THIS DOOR.”
“Evan, look,” President Bartlet said, quickly tapping Evan on the shoulder.
Evan turned around to see a familiar, sinister figure emerging from the onboard Executive Washroom that was reserved for Evan and Evan only.
“What are you doing here?”
“Using your bathroom, Evan,” a high-pitched, nasally voice replied.
“Look!” Bartlet shouted, pointing toward the knocked-out body sitting on the floor of the bathroom. “He’s knocked out the pilot and left him sitting on the floor of the bathroom!”
Evan upholstered his lightsaber and activated the blade.
“Nobody mistreats my talented staff of sports writers slash airplane pilots but me!”
President Bartlet cowered in a corner and called his intelligent, liberal-minded cabinet for encouraging words as Evan and the mysterious yet oh-duh-I-wonder-who-it-is figure prepared to do battle.
“You couldn’t defeat me back in college,” the small man said, snorting with laughter. “My scouter says your power level is pathetic.”
Evan made a serious face. Suddenly the air around him became charged with static and the clouds passing outside darkened to pitch. The scouter fixed to the stranger’s face beeped frantically as Evan’s power level climbed over 9,000.
“Auuuuuggggnnnhnnnn,” Evan said. “Aaaaauuuugnnnnnnnhh!”
He charged toward the intruder, lightsaber in one hand and a drawn fist in the other.
“GET OFF MY PLANE, LEEBRON!”
I basically stole this from How About We.
If he’s a scoundrel and she’s a princess, and the sexual tension is becoming too much and you’re in outer space: Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back
If he’s a deputy chief of staff and she’s his secretary and it takes 7 years to get together: the entirety of The West Wing
If they’re lesbian dinosaurs: Jurassic Park
If he’s a dinosaur and she’s a dinosaur and they’re married and have dinosaur babies and also are muppets: Dinosaurs
If muppets: The Muppet Movie
If he’s an 8 year old Chinese boy and he’s a professor of archeology: Indiana Jones: Temple of Doom
If he’s going through pon farr and she is leading an expedition to the Genesis planet and we all know that was rape but let’s not talk about it: Star Trek III: The Search for Spock
If he loves her but she insists they’ll have to be in love in secret: The Royal Tenenbaums.
If he’s just so self-obsessed and so is she despite being beautiful and oh my god we’re both just so miserable despite having otherwise first world lives: Just any Wes Anderson movie fuck you.
If she loves quiche and books and isn’t fat and he isn’t dating her: First three seasons of 30 Rock
If she loves quiche and books and is fat and he is dating her: Angel, probably. They both probably watch that together because they’re just cliched miserable fatties who have found happiness in each other’s nerd folds and just watch all of Joss Whedon until they die of diabetes.
If he’s Jewish and she wants to control every aspect of his life: The Hebrew Hammer, or whatever she wants.
If he is a whiney baby and she is softer than sand, m’lady: Star Wars prequels
If they both think they’re so freakin smart and the world can’t go on without them spreading their genes: Children of Men
If he is a Green Lantern and she is a Hawk Girl: Justice League
If he is a film producer and she is an aspiring model/actress: porn
If he is a teacher and she is a cheerleader with poor grades: porn
If she is a nubile teen and he likes to watch her via webcam: porn
If he is a high government official and she is 10 women of prime breeding age: Dr. Strangelove
If he is a phlegmatic everyman and she is Big Brother: 1984. I guess that’s a book.
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
The Louvre Museum has 8.5 million visitors per year. This blog was viewed about 75,000 times in 2011. If it were an exhibit at the Louvre Museum, it would take about 3 days for that many people to see it.
Today I found myself in a very familiar situation. Someone’s brother/sister/friend/self is thinking of going to law school.
“No!” Evan yelled, as the patrons of Inversion coffee looked up slightly to see what the commotion was, especially that one cute girl who was like totally checking him out. “Don’t do that!”
“Because the legal economy is shit. It isn’t a guaranteed job. Unless you know exactly what you want to do, or are going to a very top law school, you’re risking throwing away lots of time and money.”
“Well what’s a good job for someone with a degree in History.”
I don’t know.
Twitter had some ideas, though.
Well, right now I’m doing it backwards.
First is supposed to come the attempt at fulfilling the dream career. Work for the Thresher forever? Opinion journalism? Comedy writing?
Then, if that fails, go for the pragmatic moneymaking operation with the lifelong goal of a steady, if possibly rewarding, career. Law school!
Of course, I did it backwards. So here I am, a member of the Texas bar (once they get my check) trying to freelance write and fulfill my eudaimonic purpose.
But first I have to face the same problem I always have: Getting my butt in the chair and freakin’ writing. (Not to mention all the half-written blog entires)
So what is the plan C after the plan A after the plan B? I guess Twitter has the answer: History teacher.
Outside of the Occupy Wall Street protests, and their related spinoffs, the Democratic Wing of the Democratic Party carries on in the more traditional realm of politics. The current cause celebre? Elizabeth Warren’s campaign for Senate.
Beyond the “Dumb hunk Republican vs. Elitist Harvard Democrat” media frame that pundits are sure will dominate the race, yet will not take steps to stop, Warren should attract special attention from Houstonians. After all, this woman is not just chair of the Congressional Oversight Panel created to oversee the U.S. banking bailout or the author more than 100 scholarly articles and six academic books, or whatever.
She is also a graduate of the University of Houston.
It hurts this Rice graduate to heap such praise upon Cougar, but Warren seems to be the only Democrat out there with the ability or will to clearly and succinctly state the argument against the pseudo-Randian, eat the poor mindset the dominates the Republican party these days.
There is no one in this country who got rich on his own. Nobody.
I hear all this, oh this is class warfare, no! There is nobody in this country who got rich on his own. Nobody. You built a factory out there — good for you. But I want to be clear. You moved your goods to market on the roads the rest of us paid for. You hired workers the rest of us paid to educate. You were safe in your factory because of police forces and fire forces that the rest of us paid for. You didn’t have to worry that maurauding bands would come and seize everything at your factory… Now look. You built a factory and it turned into something terrific or a great idea — God Bless! Keep a Big Hunk of it. But part of the underlying social contract is you take a hunk of that and pay forward for the next kid who comes along.
And that’s the point. We’re capitalists and we want the system to work. Right now, it isn’t working. It is simple, to the point, and for some reason completely missing from political dialogue. And it is coming from a UH graduate.
Now, Massachusetts is going to have a Democratic Senator sooner rather than later. And it would be nice of that Democrat were Elizabeth Warren. No matter one’s political orientation, University of Houston boosters should want one of the hundred US senators to be from that rising institution. A Senator is a fantastic piece of PR. Plus, an alumna in a high government location can help direct grants and contracts towards a university that otherwise would be overlooked.
Furthermore, it would only benefit Houston as a whole to have someone else in the Senate who understands what it is like to live in our impressive sprawl of a city. After all, not every city is like the Boston-NYC-DC corridor.
So if you want to see a Cougar in the Senate, or merely a Senator who can provide appropriate counterbalance to the off-the-cliff perspective of the current Republican Party, send some money to her campaign.
Yesterday was Occupy Houston’s first big march. Of course, I wonder why they chose Thursday morning, when potential supporters were at work. But whatever. So while I missed the march from Market Square to Chase Bank, I was able to meet up with the protest at City Hall. Admittedly, protesting City Hall doesn’t seem to make much sense. Local government isn’t really the problem here. However, City Hall does have a big grassy field in front of it, which does have a history of letting people sleep there. So it makes sense from that perspective.
So anyways, Dean and I took in the sights and signs. Dishearteningly, the first thing I saw was a group of protesters holding Ron Paul 2012 and End the Fed signs.
As Dean and I walked around, the crazy continued to stand out from the crowd. For example, there was the woman with the anti-contrails t-shirt. Because airplanes are spraying chemicals, rather than condensation.
This walking (sitting) cliche was one among many. Of course, the best was the Ayn Rand guy. Imagine to yourself, but for a brief moment, what your average Ayn Rand believer looks like. (Alan Greenspan doesn’t count.) Because he was there!
It does seem someone contradictory for this true Ubermench to be espousing utter and complete selfishness and self-interest among a crowd condemning corporate greed, but maybe that’s the point? Maybe he was trying to convert people? Alas, I didn’t ask. #worldsworstjournalist
Indeed, the Ron Paul, Ayn Rand, anti-federal government pro-annoying theme wouldn’t be complete without a bunch of Alan Moore fans.
And if I knew wearing my League of Extraordinary Gentlemen shirt would make a difference, I would have bought one.
Amongst the crazy crowds, however, were the signs. Which were all lying in front of City Hall. I assume that after the march through downtown, people put all their signs in front of City Hall because they’re too tired to carry them or for aesthetic purposes or something.
However, it was these signs that had the most cohesive message. Most related to government putting interests of the top 1% ahead of he other 99%. Some were about student debt. Others were about unemployment. A few were about tax rates and sources of the national debt. But the overall sense was one of, well, sanity at least.
This was my favorite:
I tried to provide my own little contribution by fixing the sign.
Anyways, the point was clearer at this expression of Occupy Houston. People are mad that the wealthy have undue influence in government and policy. People think that hard work and education should mean a well paying job. This shouldn’t be controversial. This should just be.
I’m just not sure why we’re protesting it in front of City Hall.
But when I think about it, City Hall is a good place to have a protest about government and societal priorities. Just look at it.
Houston City Hall is constructed of impressive stone work and beautiful carvings that usher back to great moments of history, commanding respect and communicating dignity. We should be willing to spend money on government structures and programs that work. And City Hall works great at serving as a seat of power, at least symbolically. I’ve yet to work inside. Unfortunately, it is covered in dirt and schmutz. Too bad we can’t pay people to keep it clean.
Anyways, some people actually slept in front of City Hall overnight. We’ll see how long this lasts, and how long I have to walk down to City Hall to take my lunch.
But I would prefer that we make the necessary policy changes sooner rather than later.
Also, forgive student debt and consumer debt in a one time Jubilee Year? (Funny note: That was my Torah portion at my bar mitzvah.)
Today I attended Occupy Houston for the second time. By the end of the day, I was the 12th angriest I have ever been.
Generally, I think the Occupy Wall Street protests are a good thing. Since the 2008 economic collapse, we have seen the perpetrators go unpunished, and policy dictated to help the top 1% over the 99%. Capitalism should work. It is not working. Politicians seem more concerned about yet-to-exist consequences from a national debt rather than already extant problems from unemployment and personal debt.
Occupy Wall Street best expresses these concerns in the We Are The 99 Percent tumblr. People are suffering during this downturn. People who worked hard, studied, and played by the rules are not getting ahead. We were sold a false set of goods, and people in power don’t seem to care.
Polls show that majority of Americans would like a raise in taxes for the rich. Politicians say not a single dollar in tax increases, no matter the done in exchange.
People want to express their frustration, and they are doing so at those who seem to benefit from national misery despite having caused it.
So, I went to Market Square, where I often have lunch anyways, to chat.
The first day, I just walked up to introduce myself and see what they were doing.
The second day I joined. That second day can be defined by the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.
When I first arrived, the group of about a dozen people was going over the underlying basis for operating the Occupy Wall Street protest, which is the Consensus System. Basically, everything has to be agreed to by a unanimous consensus. There is a flowchart to debate, and everyone gets to talk, and it is awfully inefficient. However, it does emphasize that everyone is part of the process and that we should only do what everyone can agree to. Ideally, this will focus the movement down to key issues: The 99% is struggling despite hard work. Help!
So they started a hypothetical, just to show how it goes. Some guy got up and half jokingly stated they should march in front of the police station. However, the nearby NewsFix camera freaked out the crowd, worried that their words would be twisted. So the NewsFix lady walked away, and I got up and proposed something more harmless and obviously (hopefully obviously, at least) a joke: The we adopt a Unicorn as our spirit animal.
We had pro arguments (Unicorns are graceful and powerful) and anti arguments (Unicorns are pretend and we are real), and then we had a fake vote. There were some votes against, and under actual practice, the supporters and opponents would go aside to negotiate a consensus, and then bring it back to a group vote.
Anyways, afterwards some guy gave a talk about problems of institutionalized racism, which was apparently in response to a meeting the night before when the New Black Panthers showed up, accused everyone of racism, and then left.
It was a bit silly, but it was nice to see people show up. And it was good.
Alas. It quickly turned to bad.
A guy in orange was next on the list to talk. He brought up the idea of having an egg timer during peoples’ speeches so they don’t ramble. I left 45 minutes later and they were still arguing the matter.
There is a reason people use Robert’s Rules of Order instead of consensus.
But alas, as this all began I decided to put myself forward as the pseudo parliamentarian during this discussion. The position had an actual name, but I forget what it is called. All I know is that when I said:
“oh, so I’m basically parliamentarian,”
I got the response:
“What’s a parliamentarian?”
My sandwich for Christopher Warrington.
Alas, when do we get to protest in front of bank buildings?
I walked back through the park on the way to catch the 78 bus to a Planned Parenthood fundraiser at Poison Girl. Everything about this turned out to be awful.
Initially, I just stood around, listening to people. At first, they were talking about how they need to eliminate the Federal Reserve. I brought up how Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke recently stated that he can’t blame people involved with Occupy Wall Street for doing what they’re doing.
This got the general response of: Well, he’s just trying to distract us so we don’t blame him.
Seems to me like the Federal Reserve is the only powerful group actually trying to help the economy.
The discussion then moved on to how the government has FEMA camps and is probably ready to put us in them. The last time I heard this, it was a plot point in the X-Files movie.
And it just kept going.
I tried to start a conversation with the orange shirted egg timer guy. Apparently, he thinks that the Occupy movement will somehow overthrow the government. I don’t know how the 12 people standing in the park will attract enough people to overthrow the government, and I don’t think he does either. As the conversation continued, it seemed like he knew very little.
He first proposed that we replace current government with a way that randomized citizens would check people in power. I asked what would prevent people from organizing among themselves and forming parties, becoming the same sort of corrupt structure he opposes now.
“You can’t have corruption in chaos.”
I proposed, rather, instant runoff voting and policy that would reduce money in political campaigns, and greater barriers between the public and private sector.
He did not know what instant runoff voting was, so I got to rant about that for a while.
Still, he continued to assert that the problem was that our current government was created in 1776, before the Internet.
Ignoring just what the Internet has to do with anything, I corrected him:
“You mean 1787. The Constitution wasn’t ratified until 1787.”
He at first talked about how he didn’t remember his civics class, and then also complained as to why schools teach US history at the end of high school, when they should teach it first. I stated that I thought it was because the curriculum began at the beginning, with ancient civilizations, and then built up to the modern day. Then it got weird.
“Yeah, but they don’t cover all the ancient civilizations. What about Atlantis.”
“Haha, oh I don’t think that is real.”
“Yes it is.”
All downhill from there.
“Like, you can’t prove it. You can’t prove that dinosaurs don’t exist.”
Be still my beating heart that dinosaurs somehow are still alive, but alas, no.
“We, I can prove that below a certain level of geological strata there is a large collection of dinosaur fossils, and then after a strata line indicating high levels of material indicative of comets or asteroids, there are no more dinosaur fossils.”
“Yeah, but what if they live underground?”
Then, I got to hear him actually, honestly, try to argue Hollow Earth Theory.
Now, I posited that if the earth were hollow, then where would the magnetic field that protects us from radiation come from? (though honestly I should have just gone with the gravity argument)
His answer: “We’re not alone in the universe.”
He then instructed me to watch a video from a tethered satellite experiment from STS-75.
“What do you see?”
Uh, lights. Probably space dust?
“Space dust? Yeah, what else is up there, space geese?”
Apparently the correct answer was aliens.
Remembering my training, I resorted to my iPhone to see what the answer actually was. Admittedly, the video does look cool and crazy. And wikipedia does a good job explaining why:
“A tether is not a spherical object, and has significant extent. This means that as an extended object, it is not directly modelable as a point source, and this means that the center of mass and center of gravity are not usually colocated. Thus the inverse square law does not apply except at large distances, to the overall behaviour of a tether. Hence the orbits are not completely Keplerian, and in some cases they are actually chaotic. With bolus designs, rotation of the cable interacting with the non linear gravity fields found in elliptical orbits can cause exchange of orbital angular momentum and rotation angular momentum. This can make prediction and modelling extremely complex.”
And if you listen to the astronauts talking, the particles are debris from the break in the tether.
Anyways, at this point, I yelled at him that he was crazy and he was going to lose a lot of people he would want on his side and then I stormed off to wait for the 78 bus that was 30 minutes late I hate you Metro Houston.
In conclusion, Occupy Houston is currently filled with crazy people who want to End the Fed, think that the earth is possibly hollow and filled with dinosaurs, think specs of light is proof of aliens, and think that we should and will overthrow the government, but not via elections.
And think that the constitution was written in 1776.
Which is why you should go to Occupy Houston.
There are legitimate issues facing the nation. There are problems with the social contract. It is supposed to be that if you work hard, play by the rules, and get a good education, you will get ahead. Now, you just get a lot of debt. But rather than focus on the problems facing the 99%, government seems focused on the issues facing the top 1%.
It is time to get some attention. It is time to hold banks responsible for the problems they have caused. It is time for sane people to say that something is wrong.
So please, don’t let me be the only one at the next meeting who actually wants to change policy.