Republicans don’t hate Thurgood Marshall because he’s black, they hate him because he’s a hipster

The front page of the Huffington Post recently featured an article about how Republicans are taking the opportunity of Elena Kagan’s Supreme Court nomination hearings to attack former justice Thurgood Marshall.

According to the article, after but the first day of Kagan’s confirmation hearings, Marshall’s name was mentioned 35 times. Why mention Marshall? Well, Kagan clerked for him back when she was a budding lesbian maybe-lesbian she’ll come out a few years after being seated on the court law student.

This should be no big thing. Nominees clerk for justices all the time. Liberals. Conservatives. Whatever Kozinski is. So why is the GOP piling on Marshall? He’s not any more liberal than other supposed liberal judges. He was approved by a 69-11 vote, including several Republicans. And in fact, one could argue that he was distinctly more reserved than his respected colleague Justice William Brennan Jr.

So why go after Marshall.?

One could argue that Republicans are engaging in their tradition dog-whistle politics, specifically bringing up images of black men to invoke subtle and inherent racism that still exists in our society. It happened with Willy Horton and Revolving Door ads. States rights and welfare queen rhetoric.

No way! Republicans aren’t that low, that predictable, that pathetic. The truth is much more acceptable.

Republicans hate Thurgood Marshall because he is a hipster.

Look at this fucking hipster.

Look at him! Those stupid black, plastic glasses. That gross mustache. That wanna-be Mad Men grey suit. Where did Thurgood study law, some fucking coffeehouse in Williamsburg?

And what kind of name is Thurgood? Some fucking hipster name!

And his dissent in Personnel Administrator MA v. Feeney was obviously written ironically.

Don’t believe me? Don’t think Thurgood Marshall was a hipster? Look at this:

Hipster

A contemporary hipster

Is that a photo of a young Thurgood Marshall if he were Asian? No! It may look strikingly similar, but it’s just an average hipster. A loathable, mincing hipster you just want to punch in the face as he spends daddy’s money on women’s clothing and listens to bands that no one likes ever. No wonder Republicans are skipping no opportunity to wail on Thurgood and tie Elena Kagan to him at all costs. Kagan admires Thurgood so much, she’d probably just spend her whole tenure on the court drinking PBR and listening to oh, you haven’t heard of them yet, but a friend gave me a rec, something with dolphins in the name Animal Collective , skipping out on hearings to go to Bonaroo, just like her hipster hero.

And if all this sounds preposterous to you, if my argument is just silly, then I’m not sure what any other justification is. Because Republicans certainly aren’t bringing up Marshall because he was the first black justice. The only answer is that Thurgood Marshall was a fucking hipster, and this completely justifies any derision of him.

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