Why Twilight is ruining America: An Essay by Evan Mintz

I saw the most recent Twilight movie this weekend. Critiques and commentary of Twilight (eg: lulz, teen girls like dumb things! this is poorly written!) have been done. However, upon urging from Rae and Elena, wrote this blog thing:

Throughout history, many things have threatened to ruin America. Whiskey taxes threatened to ruin America in its infant stage as a nation. Rock music threatened to ruin America by turning listeners into disciples of the Antichrist via backwards messages. Even, according to the cover of Ben Stein’s new book, paper shredders currently threaten to ruin America. However, in this blog post I will discuss how Twilight is ruining America.

First, I will discuss how Twilight makes it seem OK to act like a crazy person. Second, I will discuss how Twilight makes it seem wrong to have sex in a committed relationship. Finally, I will cram in all my other one-liners and pop-culture references that I probably already wrote in my livetweeting of Twilight: Eclipse, which didn’t even have a single actual eclipse in it (neither the astronomical event nor the car. I guess you could say that it was an eclipse in the sense that the werewolf guy eclipse the relationship with the vampire guy. In this sense, he blocked it, but only temporarily, with knowledge it would return. I guess that makes sense.)

The main focus of Twilight is upon the relationship between Bella, an attractive and popular 18 year old girl, and Edward, a 100-something year old “Vampire.” The term Vampire is loosely applied here given that they can apparently enter homes without invitation, can go into the sun, and do not have a constant lust for blood dripping from an exposed neck, pulsing and coursing through veins, begging to released of its mortal human prison and sucked, devoured, providing that life giving essence that consumes every waking moment, every need, every desire.

This relationship is a Crazy. First of all, she is a teenager and he is 100something years old. Now I would understand if he wanted to tap that. If we must fetishize anything, let us fetishize youth. She is a looker, and she totally wants to do it. I can totally sympathize. But that is not why Edward like Bella. Instead, he is in Love. Except not Love. Nor love. Thats not the right word to describe what he is. What is it… oh yes. Crazy.

At one point in the movie, Bella is encouraged by her father to hang out with the werewolf guy, because he’s all around very nice and relatively normal. Edward gets jealous and breaks Bella’s car so that she can’t.

To repeat: The 100 year old vampire breaks a 17 year old’s car because he is jealous of her visiting a friend who has a crush on her. That would be nutso for another 17 year old, let alone someone with 100 years of experience, no longer ruled by the insanity-inducing teenage hormones. Furthermore, Bella is a hot teen girl. All of her guy friends probably have crushes on her to some degree. Is he gonna just trap her in his vampire fortress and never let her leave?

Admittedly, we’ve all been there. I know I have. Heck, I was always the superjealous boyfriend whose face would go stone cold when supergays would sexydance with my girlfriend. But by the ripe age of 23, I at least learned that such attitudes are unhealthy and immature. And when silly suspicions about my girlfriend arose, I trusted her and everything turned out OK. Right?

But to the teen girls and middle aged Mormon moms, nothing is more romantic than a grown man who is willing to destroy and threaten violence to show his love. I believe the applicable country-western song is “I Kissed My Baby With My Fist.” The popularity of this film ensures that its inane concept of the ideal relationship will warp teen girls into thinking such an attitude is normal, leading to a generation of girls who want nothing more than a man, no matter how old, who loves them so much that he won’t let them leave the house. This threatens to ruin America!

Secondly, Edward doesn’t even want to have sex with her. Oh no, he only wants to do that after they get married. When you’re 18, the wrong thing to do is talk about getting married. When you’re 18, the right thing to do is have safe, protected sex with your long-term monogamous partner. Yet Edward talks about it as if he is going to steal her dignity or something. She wants it! They’ve been dating for a while and she wants it. Who will judge her? Who will say she lost her dignity. The only one doing the judging is her boyfriend, judging her for having a healthy sexual appetite. That does not sound like a good boyfriend to me.

Not only does this give the completely wrong idea of a healthy high school relationship, but is historically inaccurate. In an incredibly painful monologue, Edward explains that back in his day they’d go on escorted dates and romance and wouldn’t touch until a wedding. Wrong-o! His character grew up in Chicago during the beginning of the 20th century. The Roarin’ 20s marked the rise of  modern sexual mores in the US, not to mention an urban Jazz hotbed like Chicago. Maggie: A Girl of the Streets, with its teen-dating and sexual undertones, was written in 1893. Dating that Edward describes is cliche imaginary claptrap that only exists in crappy romance novels. But the idiot author apparently didn’t do even a base level of research. And this threatens to ruin America.

Finally, just in general the main characters are horrible. Bella is a pretty and popular high school girl who wants to run off with vampires. Despite her appropriate popularity and  status as an object to be praised by young men, she wants to run off and join vampires. Oh, is life too tough? Things must be hard for Bella. So hard that she wants to run off, with but 18 years of life experience, and leave society. Not only that, she’s abandoning her parents. Has she thought about them at all? No! Because she’s a stupid teenage girl and a 100 year old vampire should know better. But he doesn’t. Because he’s horrible.

He’s so pathetic that he keeps going to high school. Why? What does he get out of this? Did he not understand the Great Gatsby the first time? Maybe he’s just so pathetic that he feels the need to relive high school because he’s afraid to grow up or explore a world beyond what he is used to just like the teen girls and mormon moms who read this trash.

Both characters cant realize that their love is doomed. And thats all nice and romantic and such, but usually characters not smart enough to realize this kill themselves in the end. But unlike Romeo and Juliette, Edward and Bella are too dumb to know to kill themselves.

In conclusion, Twilight is ruining America.

Now, my livetweeting of the film, in reverse order, because I was too lazy to include every hilarious thing I said:

This concludes Evans livetweeting of twilight: eclipse. I hope you enjoyed it. I’m available for weddings, birthdays and bar mitzvahs July 17, 2010 12:43:58 AM CDT via Twitterrific
Delete

Now we have to do the most difficult thing… Tell my dad! Really? It’s not die and leave society forever at age 18? July 17, 2010 12:42:59 AM CDT via Twitterrific
Delete

What’s wrong with this Bella girl? Being pretty and popular isn’t enough, now she wants to be a teenager forever? Ick July 17, 2010 12:39:44 AM CDT via Twitterrific
Delete

Only a month to plan a wedding? Do vampires have superplanning powers or something? #therewontbeacaviarbar July 17, 2010 12:38:35 AM CDT via Twitterrific
Delete

And then the vampire government shows up. Are they elected or what? How does the system work? July 17, 2010 12:35:40 AM CDT via Twitterrific
Delete

When The vampires die, they break like the fake vase in Last Crusade. July 17, 2010 12:29:35 AM CDT via Twitterrific
Delete

Redhead vampire lady: “ngngngngngnnnn!!!!” #whatthescriptmusthavesaid July 17, 2010 12:26:53 AM CDT via Twitterrific
Delete

This fight scene isn’t bad, but I want a better view of them ripping off limbs July 17, 2010 12:24:37 AM CDT via Twitterrific
Delete

So she gets engaged but then makes out with the other dude? Also, why isn’t she freezing while wearing a tanktop in the snow? July 17, 2010 12:21:14 AM CDT via Twitterrific
Delete

This girl and werewolf love really reminds me of inyuasha. #sitboy July 17, 2010 12:20:00 AM CDT via Twitterrific
Delete

@evan7257 is live tweeting his viewing of #twilight. Check it out, its some funny ass shit. (via @ErikVidor) July 17, 2010 12:19:01 AM CDT via Twitterrific
Delete

I can’t believe someone actually wrote this, it’s so hilarious and prone to slashfic July 17, 2010 12:13:09 AM CDT via Twitterrific
Delete

@etothemax sitting in the back row July 17, 2010 12:12:12 AM CDT via Twitterrific
Delete

All three sharing a tent? #threeway July 17, 2010 12:11:40 AM CDT via Twitterrific
Delete

Why doesn’t he just go down on her during her period? #bestofbothworlds July 17, 2010 12:03:50 AM CDT via Twitterrific
Delete

If she’s worried about edward hurting her during sex, why don’t tie him up? July 17, 2010 12:03:12 AM CDT via Twitterrific
Delete

So if vampires are legally dead, how do they get marriage certificates? July 17, 2010 12:01:23 AM CDT via Twitterrific
Delete

Wait, why did werewolf have to carry her to cover her scent if she’s spending the next scenes walking everywhere else? July 17, 2010 12:00:02 AM CDT via Twitterrific
Delete

I wanna see a spinoff series about the dad. July 16, 2010 11:59:00 PM CDT via Twitterrific
Delete

What’s with this obsession with the werewolf smelling? #racsim July 16, 2010 11:53:49 PM CDT via Twitterrific
Delete

.@youloverae has to pee, but doesn’t want to miss any of this amazing movie July 16, 2010 11:52:18 PM CDT via Twitterrific
Delete

“I was heading back to Galveston” and then rides over large hills. #isntitamazonghowtexaslooksnothinglikesoutherncalifornia July 16, 2010 11:48:06 PM CDT via Twitterrific
Delete

This is like Romeo and Juliette, if there weren’t smart enough to kill themselves before having to deal with reality July 16, 2010 11:46:43 PM CDT via Twitterrific
Delete

So some guy not her bf kisses Bella, she’s pissed and bf is pissed. So then she wears necklace from that guy? July 16, 2010 11:45:17 PM CDT via Twitterrific
Delete

Fight training montage! July 16, 2010 11:43:45 PM CDT via Twitterrific
Delete

Wait, why are the vampires graduating from high school? Haven’t they already done that? July 16, 2010 11:36:41 PM CDT via Twitterrific
Delete

What’s the big deal with vampires being infertile. Lots of people are, and they seem to live on. #adoption July 16, 2010 11:33:39 PM CDT via Twitterrific
Delete

Rape scene! #moneystootightforrape July 16, 2010 11:31:32 PM CDT via Twitterrific
Delete

Life really sucks for bellas dad July 16, 2010 11:29:04 PM CDT via Twitterrific
Delete

All Bella has is looks. She doesn’t seem smart or funny or willing to do that weird thing in bed I like. 11:27 PM Jul 16th via Twitterrific
Delete

Do vampires hair keep growing? Could Edward grow a mustache? He needs a mustache. 11:24 PM Jul 16th via Twitterrific
Delete

@JellicleLoon blast and a half! 11:22 PM Jul 16th via Twitterrific
Delete

So does the us dept of Indian affairs regulate the werewolves? What’s their legal status? 11:20 PM Jul 16th via Twitterrific
Delete

“from now on I’m Switzerland, ok!” #idskithosepeaks 11:14 PM Jul 16th via Twitterrific
Delete

Why are these guys obsessing over her. I mean she’s got nice lips, but I don’t think she puts out. 11:09 PM Jul 16th via Twitterrific
Delete

So why don’t guy werewolves never wear shirts, but the girls do? #wereboobies #thereboobies #whyareyoutalkinglikethat? 11:07 PM Jul 16th via Twitterrific
Delete

Running through the forest chase scene #itsbeendone #forestmoonofendor 11:03 PM Jul 16th via Twitterrific
Delete

Alaska #Hawaii #thefreakstates 11:01 PM Jul 16th via Twitterrific
Delete

Alaska #Hawaii! 11:00 PM Jul 16th via Twitterrific
Delete

Everyone in the movie is sane except the two main characters #whenharrymetstupid 10:59 PM Jul 16th via Twitterrific
Delete

These vampires are superstrong, fast, and magic powers. Why don’t they help people or fight crime? #likejumper 10:57 PM Jul 16th via Twitterrific
Delete

Wait, why Is sokka blond and doesn’t have his boomerang? 10:55 PM Jul 16th via Twitterrific
Delete

“vampire-human divorce rate” #unintentionallyhilariouslines 10:50 PM Jul 16th via Twitterrific
Delete

Change me? #diaperfetish 10:49 PM Jul 16th via Twitterrific
Delete

Wait, is he sparkling or sweaty? 10:49 PM Jul 16th via Twitterrific
Delete

These romance scenes remind me of naboo. Edward is softer than sand! 10:48 PM Jul 16th via Twitterrific
Delete

Do vampires ever worry about bloodbornr diseases? 10:47 PM Jul 16th via Twitterrific
Delete

Apparently vampires have the power to be blurry

Advertisements

9 responses to “Why Twilight is ruining America: An Essay by Evan Mintz

  1. fix the things i told you too! also, good analysis. i now have an even stronger desire to never see this movie or read these books. thanks, evan.

  2. Brilliant! I laughed out loud. I especially love the historical inaccuracy of Edward’s prudishness.

  3. It explains a lot.

  4. No no Evan, it’s not her dignity he’s worried about, it’s her *immortal soul.* That’s an integral part of the Mormon Conspiracy.

    • Wait… what? But vampires don’t have souls.
      Are mormon vampires allowed to even drink blood, because its a hot drink and may seem like it has caffeine in it.

  5. Ooh wonderful! Can y’all please enter me into your werewolf prize giveaway raffle competition? My contact information be Rondell Jenkins c/o http://jenkinsdothatthing.blogspot.com/.

  6. “Do vampires ever worry about bloodbornr diseases?” [/quote]

    Now, that’s food for thought!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s