Are you watching the Royal Wedding tonight/early this morning? If so, why? What are you, some limey, tea sipping Brit who upholds a wasteful and undemocratic aristocracy of inbred halfwits? We fought a freaking war to not have to pay attention to this load.
A hereditary monarch, observed Thomas Paine, is as absurd a proposition as a hereditary doctor or mathematician. But try pointing this out when everybody is seemingly moist with excitement about the cake plans and gown schemes of the constitutional absurdity’s designated mother-to-be.
So if you must watch this mockery of the ideals for which representative government stands, at least play the proper drinking game.
Rules to Evan’s Royal Wedding Drinking Game
1. Read the Declaration of Independence as loudly as you possibly can! Preferably near an open window or in a public square. Maybe out the side of your car while driving along a major thoroughfare.
2. Drink every time a word is capitalized for no reason. Example:
WHEN in the course of human Events, it becomes necessary for one People to dissolve the Political Bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the Powers of the Earth, the separate and equal Station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent Respect to the Opinions of Mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the Separation.
By my count, that first sentence is 13 drinks.
3. Drink every time the phrasing sounds dirty. Example:
… for opposing with manly Firmness …
He has erected a Multitude of new Offices, and sent hither Swarms of Officers to harass our People, and eat out their Substance.
Each one of those would be a drink, in addition to the random capitalizations.
4. Chug your drink when you get to John Hancock.
5. Find something from Britain and then throw it in a body of water. We used to do it with tea, but that doesn’t come from the UK anymore. Maybe try some Dr. Who DVDs, a copy of Harry Potter, or a stuffed Paddington Bear.
There, now don’t you feel Proud to be an American, where at least you know that if some uberwealthy aristocrat wanted to mock the poor with a display of sickening inherited opulence while also asking to be praised for it, you can watch E!/CNBC/C-SPAN.