If you have the power of vision, which I assume you do because you are reading this right now, then you may have noticed some interesting subway ads and billboards recently.
Evangelistic advertisements are nothing new, especially for we Texans. Or while walking down 14th street and some cute girl comes up to you and tries to talk about how great Jesus is and rather than going with the “Why are you trying to make me no longer Jewish? Are you a Nazi?” argument I go with the Euthyphro but she doesn’t quite get it.
But these ads are oddly specific. May 21? I certainly hope the world doesn’t end then, that is my first day of post law school celebration.
How do they calculate that day, anyways? Luckily, Salon compiled the arguments. First, it is the anniversary of creation.
Another piece of evidence — explained by Family Radio affiliate eBibleFellowship — suggests that the world began in 11,013 B.C., and its 13,000th anniversary came and went in 1988.
Well, some of people who weren’t two then, or some of us who are way too into the Dukakis Campaign (Rock Us, Dukakis ’88!), may remember a somewhat popular book at the time: “88 Reasons the Rapture will be in 1988.” It was significantly more popular than the follow-up, “The Final Shout: Rapture Report 1989.”
However, apparently merely the “Church Age” ended in 1988, and we’ve been living through the “great tribulation period of 23 years.”
So, you know. The Church Age is over, and man no longer builds everything out of churches. Or maybe the Brothers’s War has thrown the world into a great climate change as we leave the Church Age and enter the Ice Age. (Magic: The Gathering reference does one damage on upkeep).
A great deal of effort has been made by biblical literalists over the years to identify the exact chronology of the events dictated in the Old Testament. Some scholars, including Camping, adhere to the theory that the Biblical Flood took place on May 21 in the year 4,990 B.C. Then, in Genesis, God told Noah seven days before the Flood to warn people of the impending cataclysm. And Camping posits that this figure, seven days, holds greater significance than meets the eye. According to the biblical passage 2 Peter 3:8, “one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.” Therefore, argues Camping, Rapture should occur 7,000 years after the Flood. And the 7,000th anniversary of the biblical deluge, by his math, falls on May 21, 2011.
Woah, woah, woah. Let’s focus on that quote again:
Uh, excuse me. That’s not God. That’s Spock. I believe as it was said in Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan.
So basically, to understand the logic needed to justify the world ending on May 21, we would have to assume that God adheres to Federation Starfleet Regulation 46a:
“If transmissions are being monitored during battle, no uncoded messages on an open channel.”
So God is adheres to Starfleet protocols. But what does God need with a starship? …
Wait a second… Star Trek V. That was filmed in 1988! When the world first ended!
Oh my stars! It all makes sense now. God is a Trekkie, and all the 613 Commandments are actually Starfleet Regulations. And God has been rather absent in the management of the world because, as Starfleet Regulation 619 states: the commanding officer must relieve themselves of command if their current mission leaves them emotionally compromised and unable to make rational decisions.
After the Encounters at Farpoint, it was clear that God has to relieve himself of duty. But now he is back in Command with his number one, Jesus, promising to beam aboard his USS Holy Spirit a crew of the most dedicated and talented graduates of Starfleet Academy that Sector 1 has to offer. So send your regards to Boothby and the rest of the damned souls destined to suffer here on earth. 300 million to beam aboard, May 21!
Our continuing mission? To explore strange new theological structures. To seek out new worshipers and religions. To boldly go where no God has gone before!
Ex Astra, Deus!