Monthly Archives: July 2011

Oslo Bomber says he likes Texas

With the death of Osama bin Laden, the title of Biggest Terrorist was up for grabs. Everyone was betting on another brown or Muslim guy, but the other day we all learned otherwise in a horrible terrorist attack in Oslo. In a bombing and shooting that seemed to target specific future leaders in Norway’s more liberal party, a blonde European Christian terrorist left 92 people dead.

Congrats, asshole. You're the new face of terrorism!

Apparently, the enemy was “multiculturalism” and Islam, and this was Anders Behring Breivik’s attack.

But he didn’t just leave behind corpses and charred buildings for us to peer upon in mourning as he waits for his trial. He also left a 1500 page rambling manifesto in which he calls for a war between a Christian Europe and Islam.

A manifesto calling for ethnic cleansing and war in Europe? Oooh, oooh, Godwin’s Law!

Seriously, if he had his way, his little weird U-beard would be the 21st century toothbrush mustache.

I haven’t had a chance to read the whole thing (pdf: Anders Behring Breivik manifesto), which the terrorist titled “2083: A European Declaration of Independence.” However, a quick search found a few references to my dear home state of Texas. His comment? He likes it!

 I did enjoy Las Vegas as well but I really dislike the superficial aspects of American society. The American state I found least superficial was Texas.

You hear that guys? When asked about his favorite destination, this terrorist said Texas! Well, not as favorite. But we’re at least somewhere that wasn’t as superficial as the rest of the country.

I guess he’s never been to Dallas?

So yeah, terrorist writes a manifesto about war and ethnic cleansing in Europe and sees no problem with killing children for political aims.

So…. Never Again?

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The Terrifying History of the Rice Cryptid

The origins of the Rice University Cryptid, the Evan’s Hare, revealed. And it all began in 1916…

But a few weeks ago, I spotted an unidentifiable creature the claims the Rice University campus as its hidden home. Apparently similar to the Jackalope, this beast that I have deemed “Evan’s Hare” still remains loose, and largely a mystery.

What is this fantastic beast that I have found?!

Some have mocked my account of this hooved, unexplainable wunderbeast. However, the revealing spotlight of history should leave no question about the fantastical status of the Evan’s Hare, and its mysterious origins at Rice University.

It all began in 1916.

Rice University admitted its first class in 1912. In those early years, The Rice Institute, as it was originally known, spent considerable effort recruiting and retaining top minds in maths, sciences, and other fields. Some of those early names may still be recognizable to students today. Notably, Julian Huxley was one of Rice’s first professors.

Note Huxley, the first Director of UNESCO, and a founding member of the World Wildlife Fund, in this picture from Rice’s first yearbook.

What a brave, new world Rice was back then.

While Huxley may be the most famous face in that practically centennial photographs, the man important for the story is Hermann Joseph Muller. Muller was recruited by Huxley to teach at Rice, where he continued some of the first genetic research. Notably this research focused on the Drosophila, aka, the fruit fly. But that wasn’t all of his work…

Hermann Joseph Muller: Father of the Rice Cryptid?

Muller may be better known for his 1946 Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine. He was granted the award for “the discovery that mutations can be induced by x-rays.”

How convenient that the home of this rabbitesque mutant was where the father of radiation-induced mutations first cut his teeth as a full professor. But of course, that would be preposterous. It is not like there is a picture of Muller, and the rest of his scientific team, with a rabbit.

Oh wait there totally is.

Notice the little creature in front of Muller in the Campanile photo. Doesn’t it look a little familiar?

How convenient that the father of radiation-induced mutations is photographed with a rabbit-like creature.

The connections are becoming apparent and the truth is being revealed. So is the Evan’s Hare a cryptid, or some mutant created by man? Or could it be both?

The Rice Historian comments that there is no information about the rabbit in the 1916 photograph. And indeed, there is little information about Muller’s time at Rice. Of course, why would they want to advertise this man. Sure, he won the Nobel Prize. But he also had explicit Communist sympathies and worked closely with scientists from the USSR. Muller also was involved in the illegal leftist student newspaper, The Spark. So perhaps Rice, as fitting Texas’ mid-century anti-communism, decided to cover up any ties with this pinko. And with those ties, evidence of his genetic experiments on rabbits.

So today, the offspring of his mutant creatures still roam the grassy quads and oak filled campus of Rice University.

Hermann Muller. A Frankenstein to rabbits. A creator to the Evan’s Hare. A father to the Rice Cryptid.

Fourth of July Drinking Game

Independence Day is about tea, and taxes, and representation. It is also, if the Whiskey Rebellion taught us anything, about drinking. Also, telling the British to get out of our face. So it should be appropriate that the Royal Wedding Drinking Game and the Independence Day Drinking Game are rather similar.

Rules to Burn Down Blog’s Fourth of July Drinking Game

Part I: History!

1. Read the Declaration of Independence as loudly as you possibly can! Preferably near an open window or in a public square. Maybe out the side of your car while driving along a major thoroughfare.

2. Drink every time a word is capitalized for no reason. Example:

WHEN in the course of human Events, it becomes necessary for one People to dissolve the Political Bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the Powers of the Earth, the separate and equal Station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent Respect to the Opinions of Mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the Separation.

By my count, that first sentence is 13 drinks.

3. Drink every time the phrasing sounds dirty. Example:

… for opposing with manly Firmness …

Or

He has erected a Multitude of new Offices, and sent hither Swarms of Officers to harass our People, and eat out their Substance.

Each one of those would be a drink, in addition to the random capitalizations.

4. Chug your drink when you get to John Hancock.

Part II: Movies!

1. Read the entire Independence Day monologue in one breath.

Good morning.

In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind.

“Mankind.” That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can’t be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests.

Perhaps it’s fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom… Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution… but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice:

“We will not go quietly into the night!” We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive!

Today we celebrate our Independence Day!

If you fail, drink.

2. Walk around to people and punch them in the arm. Follow up the punch with: “Welcome ta Erf!” When you do this to someone, they have to drink.

3. Drink until you can, in good conscience, make a huge mess of whatever BBQ you attend. This way, if we make a big enough mess of our planet, the aliens won’t want it anymore.

4. Put someone in a headlock. Don’t release them until they go: “Release me!” Get him, or her, a drink for being such a good sport.

Part III: Flags

1. Drink for every star.

2. Drink for every stripe.

3. Tread on someone. Drink.

There, I hope that is an adequate off the cuff drinking game for Independence Day. Next time, a drinking game for Stargate.